TheHeartOfJudas

Finding myself in this unfamiliar place I strive to embrace; I want to feel- My mind deludes me with fear now. Jaded, wandering, gray matter; nerves shattering under every touch. Who am I kidding, this shell of a woman? Who would understand this deep wanting of attention and love but still an aversion to almost all of it... I suppose exploring it is the key. But, what if it breaks the lock of my heart?

Olive branch drops down to the ice-covered earth of our pitiable nations feet. It falls in suffering, not in reverence to anything, but in frail captivity, of a crushing fist. In another world, the sun scalds our brows as we lean forward to see what has become of those United States. In this other world where poverty rules over any kindness or love. Better to be frozen like that olive branch, than boiling in the heat of these politics.

Graceless days filled with empty dreams. Unknown resolutions that are never seen. No belief that things can get any better. Things stay the same. Where's that light we all hear about, as we sit in darkness?

Her platinum lightning strikes as midnight rules the land. Once, a teenage dream, becomes a fractured mid-life heartbreak; The dress she never got to wear hangs in a thrift shop window. Midnight taffeta, slightly faded much like her used-up life is. Old copies of Cosmopolitan lay tattered and forgotten in her mind. The memories fade like the dress and the storm rages quietly. Searing feelings erupt like a waking volcano’s rage, waiting for the right time to spill.

Now, as I stare out on these desolate streets I see the ghost of a father I have yet to meet. From a very young age, it’s been me and my mom. No man to come home to, no dad of my own. I know mom did her best but she needed some help; I deserved a father figure, now I’m out here- not grown. The streets call my name, to hustle, fight and act out. Just like my mom always worried so much about. Now I’m fourteen and some say, out of control. Lost in this world with no father to hold me. Can I survive these streets living unscathed and free? Instead of in a cage with other boys like me?

Not meant to be the destination then what am I even here for? Is there something more to have my heart set on? Is something worth this fight? Knowing and believing are   not the same at all. Fantasies made of traveling along the beam of the subconscious. Reaching the other side is not always wanted or expected.

Visions of my past lives do haunt me at times. The moon is no longer my own to hold now. Now too many things remind me of others. Too many days melting into endless nights. There is no going back because memories are made and not lost now. The whole world has become inevitable in my eyes and I can’t go back to how it was. If I could, would I really want to at all?

You see it in my eyes; the violet storms rage. Another day without a memory of that phase. My vision is blurred and my mind is blank. Not sure where this will take me, so I bend and then I break. Broken things do mend, I'm told, and I can be restored; the violet storms will rage and rise then finally, they will pour.

Sinuous serpent of dreams comes to me at night whenever I close my eyes I belong to his desires and his twisted way of weaving my thoughts to his will He slithers with ease along my cerebral cortex; I stretch out in pleasure and pain He does not care if my dream is a fine fantasy or a terrible nightmare I bow to his will because I   cannot fight my dreaming state; I cannot push away When I wake and his tight coils slip away, I breathe with ease and control again He slides beneath my pillow because he knows I’ll always return to his realm again